oh this is so strange, and painful, help, i am baffled..and scared
no sense beating around the already beaten up bush: i held my SECOND TD session tonight at the Unitarian church. after last weeks' initial experience, with the woman dropping her husband who has dementia in the lobby and taking off, leaving him for me to bring into the already emotionally formed and closed group, and finally getting his wife to understand that the group is not an appropriate place for her husband to be through our endless emails over the weekend another member of the group, someone who does not belong to the church but was brought in by a member who i happen to know quite well, turned out to be a vicious rage filled woman....and she attacked ME.
it was unreal...still is. my body is still totally pulsating, riffs of fear still ringing in my ears. i had just lit the candle and was offering choice of soul cards for contemplation while drawing; she immediately hated the card she picked....from deck #2, one of the wide open mouth scream ones, the smaller version, wiht something white inside the mouth. it is a card that everyone seems to not want to pick! says something "bad" to everyone.
well this woman tossed it aside saying snidely "i don't have to take that one if i don't want to....i don't like it. gimme another one."
so, knowing there are no right or wrong ways to do touch drawing, i gave her another one.
we proceeded to touch draw. i could feel this woman's negative energy just nipping at my heels, but kept choosing to ignore it, for the sake of the group.....despite the fact that several of the group had told me they didn't care for her being there....so be it..
i had brought along a book that i collect quotes in, quotes that enlighten, inform, delight, all those things. my plan was to read from the book, a few quotes throughout our time together, to support the space, along with the music playing. i walked up to the area of the room where pam was working at a table to get my bottle of water. as i was walking back i made this observation and offering: "it's god to keep in mind that you really don't have to 'draw a picture': close you eyes and feel the energy inside your eyes, inside your hands...try to draw what that energy feels like.........you cna do it either way, you can really do whatever you want!", i said, ending it on an upbeat note.
this woman snorted at me, "that's damn right we can do whatever we want."....i did 't engage her, i just smiled and walked back to my chair to start writing in my journal. i could hear her muttering to her friend andrea as i walked away. i had just about sat down and i decided no, i would NOT walk away. how could i just walk away and not deal with this? i had a group i was leading. so i walked back over to her to try to talk.
i opened with, with my arms and palms out and open, "pam, you don't have to be contentious about this..." well, she doesn't know what that word means so she gets even madder and starts SCREAMING at me "you are rude....i come in here sick and you are trying to tell me what to do, YOU ARE RUDE!!!" see, she took the gentle accompanying suggestion about drawing the energy you are feeling as a threat...a taunt...."do it MY way"....oh boy. she screams thjat she has had enough and she is leaving...i say that is probably a good idea.....then she screams that i am rude again and i counter with no, i believe YOU are the one who is being rude!!!!
she disappears into the bathroom, slamming things arouond, and i take off stumblling toward the church's kitchen, looking for someone to talk to about what is happening. well, the woman , the raging flameful woman follows me to the kitchen and just keeps on screaming....loudly.....saying "THE ONLY REASON YOU ARE DOING THIS TOUCH DRAWING THING IS BECAUSE YOU ARE MENTALLY ILL...YOU ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKED UP...you have ISSUES and you need BIG TIME HELP...you are SICK",,,,and on and on it went, with me, the whole time, trying to make her leave. i jsut kept saying "you need to leave. NOW" but to no avail...
this went on, with witnesses, for ten minutes...her screaming to the others too that they shoud shut up it was none of their business..she said she would pray for me....ahhhhhhhh...i feel better already. and when i offered her her money back she told me to keep it FOR MY THERAPY.
i cried for about forty minutes.....WITH my other five women of hte group. talk about bonding!! they were filled with love and validation and support because they know too that it was the other woman projecting all of her pain onto me.
the woman who brought her to the group suddenly announces that she doesn't REALLY know her.....just a friend of a friend.....but she DID know that the lady in question does NOT get along well with other people. gee; i'm so surprised.!}and that she has a history of violence.
terrific.
well she left. and the bonding and joining together of souls that occurred for the five of us was spectacular.....it was so sweet and so perfect. and i am so tired suddenly. what a drain it is to be given so much rage.....i am really not qualified to take on someones rage................................................................
so, a question arises: has this happened to others before me? and is this, indeed, the number one danger of touch drawing? it hadn't occurred to me that the facilitator really splays themselves wide open to the group, especially when you share like I did at the beginning of the class. here's what i did:
i took a sheet from last week, very few marks on it, but it had given,s omehow, another drawer a sense of africa, the openness of the plains, etc........and i embellished it and what i found was a funky rendition of me holding onto my house, all the windows lit up, looking vital as always, and yet the children are gone now....it can' ever be the same......and i got a bit weepy in sharing this with the group...a stray tear slid down my cheek on its way someplace else. i thought it would be an excellent way to share what i mean when i say we can "embellish" our TD...embellish and new layers grow from the original drawing.
from this sharing on my part, the woman in question decides i am seriously mentally ill and i need alot of help, a LOT of help. she tells me this while screaming it at me ofcourse.
this is the same woman who set one of her pictures on fire last week becasue she was goofing around by the ceremonial candle..yup. that's her.
she gatherered her stuff up and was taking off in a huff....and i zombie walked my way out of the room to the church kitchen, to see if i could talk with someone...my friend syd was in there and as i tried to explain what just happened, that little ragefilled woman found me.....it was like being ganged up on by an evil creature on south park....she cornered me, screaming about my mental health and that i only offer this class because i am crazy and i need seriously help....it ws mindboggling.
my real theory is that when she picked the card, the screaming image, something was tapped into immediately, and she was NOT going to look into whatever THAT was...so she just went after me, pinned alll her negative hateful energy onto me as the facilitator.
well i say don't kill the messenger!!!! a huge bond was formed among the five of us who remained.and that was great and so helpful....but i am now at home , sitting here with this ringing in my ears, screaming still a bit in my heart, and i can't get her face out of my mind.
has anyone had THIS kind of TD experience? oh please don't say i'm the only one.
it was unreal...still is. my body is still totally pulsating, riffs of fear still ringing in my ears. i had just lit the candle and was offering choice of soul cards for contemplation while drawing; she immediately hated the card she picked....from deck #2, one of the wide open mouth scream ones, the smaller version, wiht something white inside the mouth. it is a card that everyone seems to not want to pick! says something "bad" to everyone.
well this woman tossed it aside saying snidely "i don't have to take that one if i don't want to....i don't like it. gimme another one."
so, knowing there are no right or wrong ways to do touch drawing, i gave her another one.
we proceeded to touch draw. i could feel this woman's negative energy just nipping at my heels, but kept choosing to ignore it, for the sake of the group.....despite the fact that several of the group had told me they didn't care for her being there....so be it..
i had brought along a book that i collect quotes in, quotes that enlighten, inform, delight, all those things. my plan was to read from the book, a few quotes throughout our time together, to support the space, along with the music playing. i walked up to the area of the room where pam was working at a table to get my bottle of water. as i was walking back i made this observation and offering: "it's god to keep in mind that you really don't have to 'draw a picture': close you eyes and feel the energy inside your eyes, inside your hands...try to draw what that energy feels like.........you cna do it either way, you can really do whatever you want!", i said, ending it on an upbeat note.
this woman snorted at me, "that's damn right we can do whatever we want."....i did 't engage her, i just smiled and walked back to my chair to start writing in my journal. i could hear her muttering to her friend andrea as i walked away. i had just about sat down and i decided no, i would NOT walk away. how could i just walk away and not deal with this? i had a group i was leading. so i walked back over to her to try to talk.
i opened with, with my arms and palms out and open, "pam, you don't have to be contentious about this..." well, she doesn't know what that word means so she gets even madder and starts SCREAMING at me "you are rude....i come in here sick and you are trying to tell me what to do, YOU ARE RUDE!!!" see, she took the gentle accompanying suggestion about drawing the energy you are feeling as a threat...a taunt...."do it MY way"....oh boy. she screams thjat she has had enough and she is leaving...i say that is probably a good idea.....then she screams that i am rude again and i counter with no, i believe YOU are the one who is being rude!!!!
she disappears into the bathroom, slamming things arouond, and i take off stumblling toward the church's kitchen, looking for someone to talk to about what is happening. well, the woman , the raging flameful woman follows me to the kitchen and just keeps on screaming....loudly.....saying "THE ONLY REASON YOU ARE DOING THIS TOUCH DRAWING THING IS BECAUSE YOU ARE MENTALLY ILL...YOU ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKED UP...you have ISSUES and you need BIG TIME HELP...you are SICK",,,,and on and on it went, with me, the whole time, trying to make her leave. i jsut kept saying "you need to leave. NOW" but to no avail...
this went on, with witnesses, for ten minutes...her screaming to the others too that they shoud shut up it was none of their business..she said she would pray for me....ahhhhhhhh...i feel better already. and when i offered her her money back she told me to keep it FOR MY THERAPY.
i cried for about forty minutes.....WITH my other five women of hte group. talk about bonding!! they were filled with love and validation and support because they know too that it was the other woman projecting all of her pain onto me.
the woman who brought her to the group suddenly announces that she doesn't REALLY know her.....just a friend of a friend.....but she DID know that the lady in question does NOT get along well with other people. gee; i'm so surprised.!}and that she has a history of violence.
terrific.
well she left. and the bonding and joining together of souls that occurred for the five of us was spectacular.....it was so sweet and so perfect. and i am so tired suddenly. what a drain it is to be given so much rage.....i am really not qualified to take on someones rage................................................................
so, a question arises: has this happened to others before me? and is this, indeed, the number one danger of touch drawing? it hadn't occurred to me that the facilitator really splays themselves wide open to the group, especially when you share like I did at the beginning of the class. here's what i did:
i took a sheet from last week, very few marks on it, but it had given,s omehow, another drawer a sense of africa, the openness of the plains, etc........and i embellished it and what i found was a funky rendition of me holding onto my house, all the windows lit up, looking vital as always, and yet the children are gone now....it can' ever be the same......and i got a bit weepy in sharing this with the group...a stray tear slid down my cheek on its way someplace else. i thought it would be an excellent way to share what i mean when i say we can "embellish" our TD...embellish and new layers grow from the original drawing.
from this sharing on my part, the woman in question decides i am seriously mentally ill and i need alot of help, a LOT of help. she tells me this while screaming it at me ofcourse.
this is the same woman who set one of her pictures on fire last week becasue she was goofing around by the ceremonial candle..yup. that's her.
she gatherered her stuff up and was taking off in a huff....and i zombie walked my way out of the room to the church kitchen, to see if i could talk with someone...my friend syd was in there and as i tried to explain what just happened, that little ragefilled woman found me.....it was like being ganged up on by an evil creature on south park....she cornered me, screaming about my mental health and that i only offer this class because i am crazy and i need seriously help....it ws mindboggling.
my real theory is that when she picked the card, the screaming image, something was tapped into immediately, and she was NOT going to look into whatever THAT was...so she just went after me, pinned alll her negative hateful energy onto me as the facilitator.
well i say don't kill the messenger!!!! a huge bond was formed among the five of us who remained.and that was great and so helpful....but i am now at home , sitting here with this ringing in my ears, screaming still a bit in my heart, and i can't get her face out of my mind.
has anyone had THIS kind of TD experience? oh please don't say i'm the only one.
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